I just pynch a tree in the face
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize