I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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