Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
