Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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