You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
