Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
