You just made me feel so damn special
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
