Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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