Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Shame - the story of my life.
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