I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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