i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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