shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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