We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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