You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
