So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
