I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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