So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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