his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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