This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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