The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize