ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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