Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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