she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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