So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
