Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
