I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
