i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Blood and glitter go together right?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
