pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
