brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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