One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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