he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
