we're chasing vodka with high fives
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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