Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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