Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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