this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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