We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Your cock deserves a montage
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
