im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
