i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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