my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize