I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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