ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
