I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize