you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
