Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
