It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize