I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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