I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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