it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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