Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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