then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize