i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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