So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
