mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
That's when you crack a 10am beer
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize