nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
